Portraits

• Carol wanted to trust Don. She continually reminded herself that Don was a good father and husband. She would push out of her mind the thoughts that there might be someone else. Then one morning as she was cleaning up his home office, she found a credit card statement that detailed hotels and restaurant charges in New York. She had not heard Don talk about traveling there.
  
  
• Barb enjoyed working with her boss, Carl. Their conversations were stimulating and she always came away feeling affirmed. She was thankful that she had such a good relationship with him . . . until it became more than that. Her eyes filled with tears as she began to recount their affair. “I can’t remember exactly when we started having more feelings for each other,” Barb recounted. “I never imagined it would lead to this!”

Definitions and Key Thoughts

 

• Adultery occurs when someone has a sexual relationship with someone other than one’s spouse. This relationship may or may not include an emotional connection.
  
  
• Adultery may also involve an emotional affair. Less understood, an emotional affair can be even more threatening to a marriage than physical adultery. It occurs when husband or wife turns to someone outside the marriage for primary emotional support. For example, when a couple is experiencing conflict, hostility, or distancing, and the husband or wife turns to an opposite sex friend for companionship, support, and sharing of personal matters, an emotional affair has begun.
  
  
• Tragically, infidelity in marriage is becoming increasingly common. Christians are just as likely to be tempted to marital unfaithfulness as non-Christians. Women are as likely to have an affair as men.
  
  
• Poor communication, unresolved conflict, and/or unrealistic expectations leading to marital dissatisfaction are key reasons for extramarital affairs. Any perceived need that goes unfulfilled in marriage will seek its expression elsewhere.
  
  
• Spouses may become involved in affairs because they are exposed to situations for which they are unprepared or have not set wise boundaries.
  
  
• Many affairs begin so gradually as well meaning friendships that the people involved are unconscious of how the relationship is changing until significant behavior occurs.
  
  
• Infidelity can also stem from emotional deprivation in childhood in which a person has a constant hunger for approval and attention. For example, if the wife cannot fulfill those needs, the husband will feel cheated, let down, and will seek the attention of others outside the marriage relationship.
  
  
• Many adulterers think they are looking for love when in fact they are seeking to feel better about themselves.
  
  
• A person may be unfaithful as an act of retaliation and anger against his or her spouse (whether consciously or unconsciously).
  
  
• For some, as money and positions of power increase, so does an increasing sense of entitlement to life’s pleasures. It is therefore not surprising that this can extend to the sexual realm as well.
  
  
• Ultimately, adultery is a self-centered choice, intentionally ignoring the needs of one’s spouse and family and the commandments of God in order to satisfy one’s own selfish desires.
  
  
• At its root, adultery is about a lifestyle of deception.

Assessment Questions

For the Faithful Spouse: Here are several questions that one can ask themself or, could be asked by a counselor or trusted friend.

 

Q1 How did you find out about the infidelity?

 

Q2 How long have you known?

 

Q3 What do you feel you need right now in light of this information?

 

Q4 What feelings has this stirred up for you? (It is not uncommon for the person to feel a variety of emotions from resentment to sadness.)

 

Q5 What do you want to do about your relationship with your spouse?

 

Q6 Is he/she still seeing the other person?

 

 

For the Unfaithful Spouse:

Q1 Have you told your spouse?

 

Q2 What prompts you to want to discuss this now?

 

Q3 Do you want to restore your marriage? (It is not uncommon for the offending spouse to feel confused as to what he/she wants to do, especially if the affair was longstanding and/or involved a deep emotional commitment.)

 

 

If the unfaithful spouse wants to restore the marriage:

 

Q1 Are you willing to completely cut off all ties to the third party? (This is the most significant question. You will be able to tell a lot by how the person replies. Is there hesitation? Does he/she avoid eye contact?)

 

Q2 Do you desire to explore the reasons that perpetuated the affair?

 

Q3 Are you aware of what needs you were seeking to have met from this relationship?

 

Q4 What do you see are the effects on your spouse as a result of your having an affair?

 

Q5 Are you willing take full responsibility for your actions without placing any blame on your spouse?

 

Q6 Are you committed to being accountable for your time and relationships on a daily basis?

 

Q7 Are you willing to pursue professional counseling?

 

Wise Counsel

 

Healing is possible after infidelity. Increasing numbers of couples are braving the path of healing and restoration of their marriages. To begin the healing process, both spouses will need to

• understand what caused the infidelity in the marriage. This will require a long, thoughtful look at the marital pattern that has developed, as well as what each person has contributed to the marital breakdown. Difficult though it is, each spouse should focus on his or her own issues as opposed to criticizing and blaming the other person for the problem of infidelity.
  
  
• rebuild trust in each other by telling each other the truth and by being accountable to each other. It is vital for each person to keep his or her word. If one spouse promises to do something, he or she needs to follow through and do it. Finally, trust can be rebuilt by using gestures of affection and nonsexual touch to express caring and affirmation.
  
  
• take time for restoring and enriching the marriage. The restoration process involves identifying and reestablishing what was good about the marriage before the adultery. The enriching process involves learning and implementing new skills and behaviors to strengthen the relationship.
  
  

Information for the Faithful Spouse:

Shock/Denial. “No, not me” stage. This stage is when the wounded spouse is unwilling to accept the reality of the spouse’s unfaithfulness. He/she may blatantly deny facts presented about the spouse’s activities.

• Anger. “Why me?” stage. The person is aware of being violated and hurt and may express deep resentment and/or rage toward the unfaithful spouse.
  
  
• Bargaining. “If I do this, you’ll do that.” The person wants to see changes in behavior as an avenue to avoid further pain. For example, he or she says, “If you stay, I’ll change,” rather than addressing the deeper implications of the infidelity.
  
  
• Depression. “It really happened.” The person realizes the full impact of the infidelity on the marriage and mourns the loss of what the relationship once was. The wounded spouse realizes he/she will need to make a decision as to the future of the relationship.
  
  
• Acceptance. “This is what happened.” The person has come to terms with all of the implications of the unfaithful spouse’s actions and is willing to move forward.

These stages can be experienced rapidly within a few hours, or across days or months depending on the individual. Evaluate which stage you are currently experiencing. Note: The stages of grieving may be experienced out of order, several at once, and a person may repeat these stages many times.

Avoid immediately making any long-term decisions. It is not uncommon for a hurt spouse to have feelings of wanting to end the marriage as the task of rebuilding the relationship may seem to take too much energy.

Separation, especially if the affair has been going on for a long time, may allow you and your spouse time and emotional space to process feelings and clarify the situation. The goal of separation is to have a couple begin to build a friendship and reestablish trust.

 

Information for the Unfaithful Spouse:

 

Note that there may be a “withdrawal” factor as he/she breaks off any connection with the third party

It is important to re-engage emotionally with your spouse by spending as much time as possible with him/her.

It is important to begin a lifestyle of accounting for all of your time in order to begin to rebuild trust.

Healing will take time. Developing new patterns and a commitment to learn about oneself and one’s spouse on a deeper level will be involved in the healing process.

Know that seeking forgiveness also involves restoration and a deeper commitment to love and honor your spouse than has been previously given.

 

Action Steps

 

1. Prayer

Seek daily time before God in prayer, reading the Scriptures, and asking Him for the ability to grow in Christlike attitudes and actions.

 

2. No Contact

 The unfaithful spouse must have no contact whatsoever with the third party. Like an addiction, the only way out is to go cold turkey.

 

3. Commitment

 The unfaithful spouse must be willing to make a radical commitment to regain the trust that has been broken.

 

4. New Lifestyle

 The unfaithful spouse should commit to a lifestyle of transparency and honesty. Remind him/her that no area is off limits for inquiry.

 

 5. Forgiveness

 The faithful spouse should commit to the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness will be a multi-layered journey and the person will need to make daily decisions to continue to forgive again.

 

6. Reconciliation

 Forgiveness is required but reconciliation is conditional. Reconciliation is based on true remorse and repentance. While the Bible never commands divorce and many do stay together and heal, some may never be able to work through the brokenness.

 

7. Wise Counsel

 Commit to working with their pastor and/or a professional counselor who can help them evaluate the communication patterns that may have contributed to the affair.

 

Biblical Insights

 

Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. —Proverbs 5:15

 

• This beautiful metaphor describes the joy of marital fidelity. To “drink water from your own cistern” pictures the marriage partners belonging only to each other, enraptured with each other’s love.
  
  
• By contrast, to become enraptured by another, to turn to adultery, may feel exciting at first, but will end up being “bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” (Proverbs 5:4).
  
  
• God’s Word clearly teaches that married people should keep their vows and remain committed to each other.
  
  
• Adultery is embracing a false love—it will hurt everyone involved. 

 

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. —Proverbs 5:18-19

 

• The Bible does not speak against sexual fulfillment—in fact, sexual delight and marital love are exalted in the Song of Solomon. Sexual fulfillment is always depicted in the Bible as within the boundaries of marriage.
  
  
• Adultery is a great tragedy, for it has severe consequences. People risk all that they have built over a lifetime—marriage, family, ministry, respect, honor— when they commit adultery. Sexual sin can be very appealing, almost an overwhelming temptation.
  
  
• The way out is to rejoice in one’s marriage and to be satisfied with one’s spouse’s love (Proverbs 5:18-19). To violate that commitment will lead to pain, grief, and self-destruction.
  

“When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord God. —Ezekiel 16:8

• We can find great comfort in the fact that our heavenly Father can empathize with the pain of someone who has been betrayed by a loved one. Knowing that He understands can help us trust Him in our own hurt and pain.

 

You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.”—Matthew 5:27

 

• Quoting from Exodus 20:14, Jesus reminded His listeners of the commandment against adultery. Then He said that looking at another person lustfully is committing adultery in one’s heart. Jesus explained that thinking about an act is the same as doing it, because actions begin with thoughts and desires.
  
  
• Since lust and adultery are first embraced in the mind and heart, believers should try to avoid situations that cause temptation.

Recommended Resources

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, by Janis Abrahms Spring

Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson

Surviving Betrayal: Counseling an Adulterous Marriage, by Donald R. Harvey

Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs: by Dave Carder