Portraits

• Carolyn spends most of her days looking for new ways to decorate her home. Her husband Tom complains that they are never able to get ahead because of Carolyn’s constant spending.
  
• Although Jill has advanced education and a successful career, she finds herself resenting Lindsey’s ability to entertain with such elegance and style. She thinks to herself, “If I had that much time on my hands I would be able to entertain like Martha Stewart also!”
  
• Maria can’t seem to control her tongue. She feels it almost impossible to resist the temptation to pass along to her friends the latest “scoop” on someone in the church.
  
• Sue was thankful that the friendship with Dana was one in which they could commensurate over the hardships and trials they were both experiencing. Now that Dana seems to be receiving one blessing after another, Sue finds that she is resentful that Dana’s life has taken a turn for the good.
  
• Jealous of her sister, her friends, and her neighbors, Megan was now jealous of her husband Matt’s new coworker. Wallowing in anger and self-pity, Megan was allowing her jealousy to consume her emotions and taint her marriage. Feeling smothered and wrongly accused, Matt was pulling away in frustration. Megan was becoming panicky, predicting that Matt would leave her or have an affair, but behaving in a way that increased the odds of her dark predictions coming true. 

Definitions and Key Thoughts

• Jealousy and envy are siblings, the perverse children of a toxic mix of anger, anxiety-based insecurity and an obsessive habit of comparing oneself (usually poorly) with others.
  
• There is also a root of fear in most jealousy—the fear of losing the love or praise of one’s object of affection.
  
• Envy wants what someone else has.
  
• Jealousy is being fearful that something one has attained will be taken.
  
• Jealousy also involves a triangle of three people. The jealous person becomes fixated with a (usually misperceived) rival, who is viewed as competing for the attention of the other person.
  
• Scripture says that love as “strong as death” will produce powerful jealousy that is “as cruel as the grave” (Song 8:6).
  
• Envy may be defined as wanting what someone else has, whether it is status,possessions, lifestyle, relationships, or characteristics.
  
• Left unchecked, envy can develop into malice, contempt, and destruction of others (see 1 Samuel 18:9—envy in the life of Saul).
  
• Envy manifests itself in the resentment of others’ prosperity.
  
• Envy will be evident in one’s dislike of another. The envious person will not necessarily be aware that the dislike is prompted by envy.
  
• Envy is fueled by the expectation of deserving success and recognition over another person. Envy, therefore, is closely linked to pride and greed.
  
• Envy is the opposite of love. Love rejoices over the good of another. Envy
  seeks the destruction of another for the benefit of one’s own gain.
  
• Envy is ultimately a rebellion against one’s own finiteness and God’s provision. When people struggle with envy, they reject God’s provision as well as how God uniquely created them to be.
  
• Scripture tells us that the Lord is “a jealous God” (Exodus 34:14), but the Lord’s jealousy is righteous. God is jealous for the church (2 Corinthians 11:2). Paul warns us, however, not to provoke the Lord to jealousy (1 Corinthians 10:20-22). 

Causes of Envy and Jealousy

Dissatisfaction with God’s provision. The person may only see what God hasn’t provided rather than what God has.

Comparison with others. From early on, many have been conditioned to see themselves only in comparison to others—being smarter than, not as attractive as, more popular than, etc.

Pride. Envy is driven by the false notion that a person “deserves” to have a life focused on his own personal gain and satisfaction.

Low self-esteem/seeking significance. When a person doesn’t feel good about himself, he will constantly seek to soothe that pain by seeking significance in his circumstances rather than finding his deepest needs met by Jesus Christ.

Desire for worldly gain. The person may seek money, status, appearance, talents, or achievements as evidence of his value and “place” in the world.


Expressions of Envy and Jealousy


Resentment toward others. The person may be highly critical and judgmental of another person or persons.

Competition in relationships. The desire to be the “top dog” in relationships may be indicative of a struggle with envy. The person may exhibit a drive toward overachievement and exhibit a superior attitude toward others.

Depression. The person may become highly self-critical because he has not achieved what is desired and what the other person has.

Lack of contentment. We live in a culture in which the media bombards usm with the false notion that achieving more material gain will lead to greater happiness. A person struggling with envy is rarely content with what God has provided.

Gossip about others. An envious person constantly criticizes the object of his envy.

Idolizing or putting others on a pedestal.

Beginning thoughts with the statement “If only . . .”


Stages of Envy and Jealousy

The initial stage of envy is desiring what someone else is or has.

When a person does not face his own envy, it can lead to scorn or disdain for another person simply because he does not want to deal with the reminder of where he is lacking. He shows contempt instead.

Envy can also develop into malice in which a person desires to destroy the good he sees in another’s life. Underlying this notion is the belief that if he cannot have what another person has, then he will destroy any pleasure that person has from it.

Jealousy, when carried to extremes, can dominate a relationship. Some spouses, having faced abuse or abandonment in their childhood, bring this pathology into a marriage. Unresolved issues from one’s past can be the impetus to a vicious cycle of dysfunctional jealousy.

A chronically jealous partner will use self-pity, lies, threats, and other manipulations to control a relationship. When the other resists, the jealous person reacts by becoming more controlling. The consuming cycle gains speed and heads toward disaster.



Assessment of Envy / Jealousy

Other issues often mask envy. You may feel the unfairness of life or express resentment toward another person; or you may have a need to always be the best at every task undertaken.

Be aware that the issue of resentment may also be a lack of forgiveness in which you experienced hurt fromanother person and now desire revenge.

Identify the core issue. Is it that you are resentful toward what someone has done to you? Is it because someone else has achieved something that you have not?


Q1 What is the situation that has prompted such difficult feelings for you?

Q2 Do you get upset when others advance in their career or social standing?

Q4 Is it difficult for you to celebrate the blessings of some of those around you?

Q5 Do you sometimes feel that God has disappointed you in His provision?

Q6 Do you find yourself often thinking “If only (fill in the blank ________, we had more money, more friends, etc.)?

Q7 Where do you find that most of your money goes?

Q8 Do you feel secretly pleased when someone you admire experiences a setback?

Q9 Do you sometimes want to sabotage another’s blessings?

Q10 Do you struggle with feeling critical and/or judgmental of others?

Q11 Do you find that you are not content unless you are the “best” at something?

Q12 Do you struggle with depression?

Q13 Would you identify more with the “best and brightest” rather than those on the fringe of a group?

Q14 Do you find that you tend to put others on a pedestal?

Q15 Tell me about your marriage.

Q16 How do you feel about your spouse’s friendships or activities?

Q17 Has your spouse ever given you reason to doubt his/her faithfulness or love for you?





Wise Counsel

The core to overcoming envy or jealousy is threefold:

- Understanding God’s love
- Being content with His provision
- Loving others as God loves you

Envy and jealousy are futile attempts to fill one’s deepest longings for significance and security by seeking what someone else has or by controlling what someone else does.

Remember the love and sufficiency of Jesus Christ.

Look honestly at your own sin.

 Action Steps

1. Be Honest

• We all deceive ourselves in a multitude of ways. While we may not feel we are experiencing envy or jealousy, they may be disguised in many different forms such as criticism, contempt, gossip, self pity, manipulation, etc.
  
• Ask God to reveal your motivations and feelings. Write down in a journal or private notebook what God has shown you in your heart.
  
• Confess your heart attitudes to Christ.

2. Focus on Jesus Christ

• God sees you as His own beloved child.
  
• In the morning when you wake up, before your feet touch the floor, commit yourself and the day to God asking for His guidance and presence throughout the day.
  
  
  

3. Develop a Lifestyle of Gratitude and Worship

• Count your blessings.
  
• Read the psalms as personal prayers; praising God for who He is and what He has done.
  
• At the end of each day, reflect on the unexpected blessings you received hroughout the day. Thank God for His constant love and care.

4. Avoid Activities that Encourage Comparison

• Only spend time in malls when there is a specific item you need to purchase.
  
• Read books that encourage reflection on the beauty of life and God’s creation.
  
• Minimize exposure to magazines, media, etc. that focus on material gain.

5. When Feeling Envious

• Pray for God’s blessing to be poured out on your life and give thanks for God’s provision.
  
• Remind yourself of Jesus’ counsel that “one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses” (Luke 12:15). Ultimately, “things” are shallow substitutes for the presence of God in your life.
  
• Remind yourself of who you are as one of God’s chosen children. “From the beginning [God] chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth” (2 Thessalonians 2:13).
  
• Ask yourself what it is about another person that you envy. Does this person have strong social skills? Is she deeply compassionate? Thank God for the redeeming qualities you see in that person and ask God to form those qualities in your own heart. You will then move from envy to admiration. Affirm and give thanks for the qualities that God has established in your own heart.

6. When Feeling Jealous

• Be honest with yourself—back off from controlling or manipulative statements.
• Spend time with God—soak yourself in prayer and God’s Word. Ask Him to transform your need for security into dependence on and confidence in Him.
  
• Transform your mind—instead of allowing your anxious thoughts to lead to dark suspicions, ask God to cleanse your heart and mind. Ask Him to help you truly love (“love does not envy . . . thinks no evil,” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Remember all the positives in your relationship. Do something— right then—to show your love. Make a call, send an e-mail.

 7. Grow

• Create a plan to develop the gifts and abilities God has uniquely given you:
• Evaluate your spiritual gifts and talents.
• Practice spiritual disciplines.
• Spend time memorizing Scripture, make a commitment to fast and pray for a particular situation in your life.
• Ask God to bring believers into your life who can encourage you in your relationship with Christ.

8. Consider Follow Up

For some people, a chronic struggle with envy may be indicative of deeper unresolved pain from one’s past. Working with a professional therapist may be the best course of action.

 Biblical Insights

This is the law of jealousy . . . —Numbers 5:29

• The ancient Israelites had a complex ritual for dealing with jealousy. Their detailed process (Numbers 5:11-31) recognized the destructive potential of a jealous husband or wife. The most important part was that they dealt with this issue before the Lord (Numbers 5:30).
  
• Jealousy can destroy any relationship, and in a marriage, it can drive in a wedge of mistrust.
  
• Protection from the wedge of jealousy begins with honesty. Each person should honestly consider his or her own tendency toward jealousy, answering the question, “What makes me jealous?”

Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him; and he said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?” –1 Samuel 18:8

• Saul became jealous of David’s victory over Goliath and the national attention that it received. The young warrior had upstaged the king. Saul’s jealousy led to anger, resentment, fear, and attempted murder.
• Like a seething cauldron ready to tip at any moment, uncontrolled jealousy can lead to destruction. We must take our jealousy to God, asking Him to help us appreciate others’ talents while showing us how best to use our own.
  

For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. —2 Corinthians 11:2

• The word “jealous” can be used positively or negatively. Paul said that he was “jealous for” the Corinthian believers “with godly jealousy.” Paul’s jealousy was not for his own reputation but for the Corinthians’ eternal safety.
  
• Human jealousy, however, often has a less than noble focus—such as another’s looks, wealth, popularity, or power—and it is harmful to all involved.
  
• Believers must be careful not to allow jealousy over petty issues to harm them or others.

Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking . . . —1 Peter 2:1

• Believers should be so grateful to the One who called them to be holy that they esire to be that way in every aspect of their conduct (1 Peter 1:15).
  
• This means “laying aside all envy” because envy has no usefulness in God’s kingdom. Envy causes hurt, dissension, and division.
  
• People who compare themselves to others will feel either superior or inferior. God wants us to stop comparing our looks, possessions, jobs, or abilities with those of others, and to focus on being His child and serving Him.

 Recommended Resources

Dealing With Desires You Can’t Control, by Mark R. McMinn

The Search for Freedom: Demolishing the Strongholds that Diminish Your Faith, by Robert S. McGee

Search For Significance, by Robert McGee

When God Doesn’t Make Sense, by James Dobson