Singleness
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Portraits
- Janelle uses online dating services and speed dating experiences yet rarely finds anyone who both interests her and is interested in her.
- Bart was divorced within a year of a disastrous marriage. Now he can’t seem to succeed in any relationship.
- Single after 15 years of marriage, Ana struggles to figure out who she is by herself.
- Ricardo lives with his mother and rarely dates. He is painfully shy and feels that he will probably never marry.
Definitions and Key Thoughts
- Singleness means being without a spouse. People can be single because they never married or because they have lost a spouse through death or divorce.
- Some people remain single by choice, while others have not met anyone who attracts them and who is attracted to them.
- Since women have not been encouraged to be the initiators in romantic relationships, singleness may feel like something that is out of their control.
- Those with mental, emotional, or physical disabilities face particular challenges in finding a spouse.
- Widowers often remarry soon after the wife’s death, while widows often remain single.
- Being single and alone and being lonely are two different things. Many single people would not characterize themselves as lonely at all.
- It is very helpful when churches make single people feel welcome. Not every activity should be for families. Smart churches seek to use the gifts of the single people in their congregation.
Assessment of Singleness
Some churches provide a welcoming atmosphere for singles, while other churches are so family-oriented that singles feel out of place. If your church is one of the former, you may have other singles to talk to. If your church is one of the latter, you may want to seek a church that is more welcoming to singles, or look into joining singles groups in your area.
Q1 What is the reason that you are single, in your opinion?
Q2 Is your singleness your choice or not?
Q3 What is your parents’ attitude toward those who aren’t married?
Q4 Are family members pressuring you to get married?
Q5 Have you ever been in a close relationship—something that might have led to marriage? What happened?
Q6 Describe your support system—friends and family members who are “there for you.” Does your support come primarily from other singles or from married people as well?
Q7 Do you have many opportunities to met other singles?
Q8 What does it mean to be a “well-adjusted single”?
Q9 Do you think you fit that that category?
Q10 Do you have any leisure pursuits, such as sports, hobbies, or, volunter work?
Q11 What is your first thought when people tell you they want to “set you up” with a friend or acquaintance of theirs?
Q12 What, if anything, makes marriage preferable to singleness?
Q13 What advantages do you think married people have?
Q14 What, if anything, makes singleness preferable to marriage?
Q15 What advantages do you think single people have?
Q16 From the following list, choose four words that best describe what singleness means to you, then explain your choices:
- Lonelines
- Independence
- Self-focus
- Fredom
- Poverty
- Spontaneity
- Burden
- Outward focus
- Isolation
- Deprivation
- Wealth
- Inward focus
Q17 Does our culture view singleness (especially celibate singleness) as a positive or a negative state?
Q18 Why do you think so many Christian singles are made to feel “incomplete”?
Q19 What does the Bible teach?
Wise Counsel
Closely examine your own prejudices about singleness. Investigate the messages that you received from your family of origin. (Some parents communicated to their children that girls without dates must be unworthy and boys without girlfriends must be gay. These destructive messages can leave an adult bereft of feelings of self-worth and independence.)
Our culture pictures those who marry as “victors” who have won “conquests” and “prizes.” So what does that mean for the single person? Realize the unbiblical values exhibited by those who put down singles.
Paul made it clear that singleness is a high calling that allows the single person to focus more intensely on God.
You must come to terms with being single—knowing that you are complete and whole as an individual in your relationship with Christ.
The longing to be married may be extremely intense. If you feel that he cannot be a whole person until you are married, then you are not ready for marriage.
Single parents may be particularly needy, as parenting keeps them from pursuing many social engagements. They may also worry—rightly—about the effect of dating relationships on their children.
Action Steps
1. Accept your singleness
- Live life to its fullest as you seek God’s purpose and direction. Accept your singleness as a high calling with the ability, like Paul, to do things for Christ that you might not have the opportunity to do if you were married.
- Seek God in all you do. Never rush to get married.
- Realize that you are a complete and whole person in your relationship with Christ.
2. Remain Celibate
- You may be frustrated by your singleness because you are not sexually fulfilled.
- Discuss reasons for remaining celibate (if needed, see the section on Premarital Sex). To be celibate is the spiritual ability to have complete control over your sexual desires. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have the gift of celibacy—just that you have a biblical mandate to live a chaste life.
- Discuss sexual temptations and drives. Help the person to discover methods for coping with these in positive ways. Remaining chaste involves more than refraining from sexual activity; it also means bringing all sexual desires under submission to God.
- This is not easy, but if you wish to honor God with your life, you must allow God to be at the center, helping you handle your fears, desires, hopes, and dreams.
3. Get Involved
- Pursue hobbies, sports, or volunteer work so you can meet new people.
- Find a church that has a strong singles program. Lacking that, find a church that provides opportunities for all church members to mix and have fun together. The same activities will both encourage fellowship and sharing and will help singles to get to know new people, including other singles.
- You need a community of friends whom you can trust and with whom you can share activities and interests.
- You need a balance of male and female friends.
4. Learn to love the Quiet
- Learning contemplation and solitude may help you to feel more comfortable with being alone. This teaches that alone is not a synonym for lonely.
- Learn to listen to God in the undistracted quiet.
Biblical Insights
And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” —Genesis 2:18
- God’s provision of a “helper” for Adam was not a condescending comment on singleness but an approval of marriage. God was concerned for Adam’s loneliness, for He created people to have relationships—with Him and with others.
- Though issues may differ, each one faces the potential problems of aloneness, such as isolation, insecurity, and feelings of rejection. Being “unattached” can foster destructive responses, or it can encourage the development of a deeper relationship with God. There’s nothing wrong with being single—just don’t go it alone!
Then Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took the timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances. —Exodus 15:20
- Miriam, most likely a single woman, played a significant role in the spiritual life of Israel, and she is the first woman to be called a “prophetess.”
- Singleness never denotes inferiority—God has special work for all of His people whether they are single or married.
Now there was one, Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was of a great age, and had lived with a husband seven years from her virginity; and this woman was a widow of about eighty-four years, who did not depart from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day.—Luke 2:36-37
- Anna was very young when her husband died, and she had been a widow for 84 years. Anna remained single, choosing to give her life to serving God through fasting and prayer.
- People are single for a number of reasons, and they respond to singleness in different ways. Some single people, like Anna, seek to serve God without concern about marriage; others dearly long for a spouse.
- It is important to remember that the key to a fulfilled single life is contentment in God. He has places of service for all people—married or single.
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am. —1 Corinthians 7:8
- Some have understood this passage to mean that all single people should remain that way. But Paul’s words must be understood with his analysis of his cultural context and his mission.
- As a single man, Paul understood the need for people to be able to do whatever it took to share the gospel with unbelievers. He knew that persecution could come at any time. His words reveal his total commitment to his call.
- He encouraged single people not to apologize for their singleness. They should not seek to be married as if that were all that mattered. God has an important calling for single people, since they can “serve the Lord without distraction” (1 Corinthians 7:35).
- A married person has many responsibilities, while a single person can be freer to work for the gospel. Neither state is better than the other; different circumstances create different opportunities.
- Singleness can be used for God’s glory. Whether a person has never been married or has become single by way of divorce or bereavement, single people are not set aside by God. He has great things for single people to accomplish for His kingdom.
Recommended Resources
1st Class Single, by Cheryl Martin
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris
Sassy, Single, and Satisfied: Secrets to Loving the Life You’re Living, by Michelle McKinney Hammond
The Sexual Man, by Archibald D. Hart
Your Single Treasure: The Good News About Single Sexuality, by Rick Stedman