Portraits

• Jennifer believes her marriage has no hope. She feels that apart from her hus- band and children she has no purpose in life. Her husband keeps reminding her that without him she is nothing.

• Henry has lived his entire life trying to please his parents. At 40 he still sees every decision he makes as an opportunity to win the favor of his father. He is sad and discouraged and he can’t seem to hold a job or a long-term relationship.

• From the time she was a young child, Sandy has been told that she is ugly and stupid. At 18 she is frightened to enter college for fear of failure in relationships.

• Jill has had multiple boyfriends her adult life. She feels frustrated and pressured to give in to their sexual advances in order to escape rejection.

Definitions and Key Thoughts

• Self-esteem refers to an inner sense of worthiness that gives a person resilience and resistance to attack or criticism.

• Generally speaking, each person has a concept about his self-worth (which may or may not be accurate), and self-esteem is how he feels about (or evaluates) that concept.

• Having good self-esteem does not mean being proud or having an over-blown view of one’s own importance. Paul encourages us to “think soberly” when it comes to evaluating ourselves (Romans 12:3). This means to assess ourselves with honesty and fairness.

• Low self-esteem can manifest itself in many ways:
  feelings of self-hate, believing that one is unworthy or incompetent refusal to get close to people, believing one doesn’t deserve strong or supportive relationships, refusal to trust others, inability to accept oneself as special and unique, rejection of what God intended the person to be in Him, depression, suicidal thoughts, a need for large amounts of attention, a competitive spirit, poor decisions made that are based on fears and not reality

• An individual’s self-esteem is in trouble when he allows others to assess and convince him of his value or significance instead of the One who created him.

• Poor self-esteem is often the result of prolonged periods of negative feedback in a person’s life, resulting in deep wounds and pain. As a counselor, you need to apply active listening skills in order to determine how far back the negative influence has gone.

• Society is constantly assessing our value. At work, we have performance evaluations. We are graded in schools. We are evaluated for loans. Assessment of our value begins early in life and continues even after we are dead.

• Often the imposition of value is a means to an end. A negative example of this is the young lady who finds herself in the back seat of a car with a boy who says: “If you want me to value you, you will have sex with me.” This is the worst form of value imposition.

• God has determined our value based on His purpose for creating us in the first place and on the price He has paid to redeem us for all eternity.

• Many Christians feel that self-esteem doesn’t even belong in a Christian’s vocabulary—that any assessment of our own value is vanity and therefore sinful. This of course is true when one has an over-inflated sense of worth resembling conceit powered by pride. However, as counselors we must deal with those who come with a damaged or painful sense of their worth. Searching for God’s perspective on our worth or significance is worthy of our time and spiritual energy.

• Most who struggle with low self-esteem are believing lies about their significance to God.

• The goals of healing should be to:

Correct false or erroneous beliefs about your worth and significance

Make an accurate, genuine assessment of your strengths, gifts, significance, and potential

Begin healing from deep relationship wounds

Get past the distortions and be able to honestly admit your strengths as well as your weaknesses

Begin the journey to adopting God’s perspective on your worth

Assessment of Self-esteem

Many people tend to feel badly about themselves without having ever identified the problem as related to self-esteem. They may feel like failures or have strong feelings of inadequacy that can result in periods of depression and anxiety.

Some people with poor self-image have been sexually abused and still feel dirty and worthless as a result. If you have experienced sexual abuse, you may want to seek help froma counselor who specializes in this area).

Many individuals with poor self-esteem have come from families where a divorce made them insecure or where they might have even been blamed (or just assumed responsibility) for the divorce.

Some may simply have overly sensitive personalities that make them vulnerable to slights or criticism.

Use “normalization” to help build rapport and make it clear that the person’s feelings are normal.

Q1  Have you ever been told that you have low self-esteem? If so, by whom and when? Do you agree?

Q2  Do you ever feel that you cannot feel good about yourself unless you meet some standard in your life that someone else has set for you?

Q3  Do you consider failures or mistakes as a direct reflection of your worth?

Q4  Has your need for approval from others ever caused you to make decisions that you knew were not beneficial?

Q5  Do you ever avoid taking risks because you are afraid you will fail?

Q6  Do you ever hear yourself saying that you are stupid and can’t do anything right?

Q7  Do you ever hold your family/loved ones to unreasonable or unrealistic expectations? Or, do your loved ones complain to you that you do this?

Q8  Is it difficult for you to forgive?

Q9  Have you been told that you are unforgiving?

Q10  Do you obsess about your weight and appearance for unhealthy reasons?

Q11  Do you consider yourself competitive?

Q12  Do you often find yourself wishing you were another person—or that you had the talent or looks of another person?

Q13  What sorts of supportive friendships do you have?

Q14  In what sorts of situations do you feel most self-conscious? Least selfconscious?

Q15  What does it mean to you to be a child of God?

Q16  Do you believe that God loves you? Can you “feel” God’s love or is it more of an intellectual understanding that God loves you?

Q17  How many siblings do you have? Where are you in the birth order?

Q18  Tell me about life in your family.

Q19  How were you treated as a child when you did something wrong or failed at something?

Q20  Did your parent have high expectations or low expectations of you? Or neither?

Q21  Did anyone in your family play favorites? Who was the favorite and how did that feel?

Q22  Have you ever been sexually abused or raped? DId you report it? How was it handled and what happened?

Q23  Describe the people in your life who made you feel good about yourself. Where are they now? Are any still in your life?

Q24  What makes you feel good about yourself?

Wise Counsel

Start to try to develop a realistic assessment of your unique set of skills, abilities, and character traits. Further, work to develop a strong sense of God’s love and forgiveness.

Find someone who can provide you with encouragement.

Revisit the story in John chapter 5 where Jesus healed the crippled man who had lived for 38 years with brokenness and pain. Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed. Why would Jesus ask? It seems that a person can live for so long with brokenness that he may not want to do the work that it takes to receive healing. Are you willing to do the work to receive healing?

Action Steps

1. Recognize your value

• There is a difference between having an inflated ego and simply understanding your significance based on your God-given gifts and value to Him.

• Make a list of ten talents, character traits, physical traits, abilities, accomplishments, etc., that set you apart. (You can give this as home work—the person must come back to another session with the list in hand and be ready to share it with you.)

• On the list, add another five traits that you perceive are negative. Write down some ideas for how you can turn these negatives into positives.

• You mentioned a few people who make you feel good about yourself (Assessment Question #23). Are these people still in your life? If not, is there a way you can get them back into your life?

• Identify other positive people and spend more time with them.

2. Stop Harmful Thought Patterns

• Consider some of the thought patterns and other factors that are leading you to believe lies about your worth.

• Rent and watch the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey felt like a failure until the angel showed him how much different—and worse the world would have been without him. Everyone influences others, and chances are you have had a positive influence on some people.

• Think back on things you’ve done—taught a Sunday school class, helped with Boy Scouts, gave a perfect gift to a relative, taught a child to shoot a basketball, took a bag of groceries to a food pantry, invited a new co-worker to lunch. List all of those big and little things done for others. Then consider the impact they might have had on those people.

3. Begin new thought Patterns

• Each negative thought can be countered with God’s assessment of your value. For example: If you feel your self-worth sizzle when a coworker with less experience is promoted over you, stop the negative thoughts before they take hold of you. Ask yourself if there might be any good reason this person received the promotion over you. If not, remind yourself that life isn’t always fair.

• Remember that God has your life in His hands. Not receiving that promotion may end up being a blessing in disguise.

• It has taken years of bad habits to get to the place you are with your self esteem. Healing will not happen overnight and will require replacing the bad habits with good ones.

• It may take awhile until your reflex action is quick to respond in a proactive way to negative thinking.

5. Read God’s word

• Study what the Bible says about your worth to God. Explore what God says about His love for you and His purpose for your life. (Give him the verses from Biblical Insights below for starters.)

• Keep a journal to record significant breakthroughs.

Biblical Insights

But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” —Exodus 3:11

• Moses was certain God was making a mistake by choosing him to lead the Israelites. His five excuses indicated a lack of confidence in his ability to get the job done. He had: a crisis of identity (“who am I?” 3:11); a crisis of authority (“what is His name?” 3:13); a crisis of faith (“they will not believe me,” 4:1); a crisis of ability (“I am not eloquent,” 4:10); and a crisis of obedience (“send . . .whomever else,” 4:13).

• Yet as God was with him, Moses led the nation to freedom. With God’s help and guidance, great things are possible.                        
  

what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him? For You have made him a little lower than the angels, and You have crowned him with glory and honor.-Psalm 8:4-5

• Insignificant, sinful human beings don’t seem worthy of God’s care. Yet God does care, for He created people “a little lower than the angels” and crowned them “with glory and honor.”

• He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for us so that we could one day have the glory and honor for which He created us. We are important to God.

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” —Isaiah 43:1

• Society determines people’s importance based on what they do or what they know. God chose Israel to be His covenant people and to display His glory to the nations. As a nation, Israel failed to recognize their Messiah, and God established His new covenant with all who would trust Jesus Christ as Savior.

• God’s people know that Christ is their God, Savior, and King. Our self-esteem is not based on what we do, but on who we are in Christ.

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. —Matthew 10:29-30

• Jesus described God’s loving concern for every person, explaining that “the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” He added that because God cares even for small birds—“not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will”—imagine how much more He cares for His people.

• What a boost to personal encouragement! We are important to God—created in His image and loved. He loves us so much, in fact, that He “gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have ever lasting life” (John 3:16).

Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! —1 John 3:1

• No one can love more than God. The thought of God’s astounding love be stowed on sinful humanity is beyond understanding. It’s incomprehensible that while we were still sinners in rebellion against God, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

• Through that sacrifice, God brought His own to Himself, bestowing the title and relationship of “children.” He allows us to call Him Father. No believer should ever feel alone, worthless, or unimportant. Everyone who has faith in Christ is a beloved child of God!

Recomended Resources

Finding Truth: Dispelling the Lies that can Destroy Your Life, American Association of Christian Counselors Courageous Living Video Series, by Chris Thurman

The New Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

The New Hide or Seek: Building Self-Esteem in Your Child, by James Dobson