*Wise Counsel* *For couples contemplating Divorce* 1 Share what the Bible says about divorce. Explain that God hates divorce because of the hurt and devastation it brings to people. * Make clear that the only biblical reasons for divorce are sexual sin (by one or both of the partners in violation of the marital covenant) and abandonment. * Make it clear that people are not commanded to divorce in these situations but are allowed to. * Forgiveness and restoration are also an option when true repentance is embraced by the partner who has violated the marital covenant. 2 Empathize with the pain and hurt both spouses are going through. 3 Be realistic about the future. For example, consider: * Financial difficulty of providing for two households * Probability of custody battles * Stress of single parenthood, with no one to help * Guilt from seeing their children’s world torn apart * Dealing with sending children back and forth between them * The possibility of anger, grief, loneliness, or even hopelessness *For Victims of Divorce* * Share that God sees the person’s troubles. It grieves Him to see the person hurt like this (Isaiah 40:27-28). * Using Biblical Insights, let the person know that God loves him or her with total acceptance. He understands the feelings of betrayal and rejection because He was also betrayed and rejected. * Explain the importance of grieving and the time it takes. * Grieving usually takes two to five years and often consists of five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. A person may go through these stages many times in different order before complete healing occurs. * Validate the evil done against the person. Emphasize that, though the person is a victim, he can become a survivor. Give hope that God can bring good out of this (Romans 8:28). * Share with the person that other people may judge him unjustly; he will be tempted to feel guilt and shame because of the divorce. It is important that he not accept that shame and guilt. * Express that the person will never be truly healed and released until he forgives himself and the spouse. As long as he feels anger and resentment, he is not free. (For more, see the section on Forgiveness.) *Action Steps* *For couples contemplating Divorce* 1. Put the Divorce on hold * Have the couple give themselves over to prayer. * The couple should seek the guidance of a professional counselor, pastor and/or a wise mentor. * Have on file the names of several good Christian marriage mentors and counselors. These persons should have a record of success in helping couples restore their marriages. 2. Stop the Pain * Identify the issues that have been tearing at love in their relationship. * Reduce the conflict and negative patterns they have been using to change or control their spouse. * Have the couple seek grace, forgiveness and mercy from God and each other. * Work to establish new patterns of relating, building trust, safety and spiritual closeness. *For Victims of Divorce* 1. Get involved in a recovery group * Counsel the person to begin attending a divorce recovery group. Many larger churches have these groups. Research and recommend a quality group. * Some groups last a specific number of weeks; others are using twelve step programs. 2. Go to counseling * Start individual counseling on a weekly basis. The person needs someone to whom he can be accountable. * The person may want to make a commitment to meet with a counselor once a week for at least a year. 3. No major Decisions * The person should not make any major life decisions while they are still in turmoil without running such decisions by the counselor or pastor. * This helps guard against making poor decisions while he is still emotionally vulnerable. 4. No new relationships * The person should not rush into any new dating relationships. * The person should focus on letting God fill the emptiness inside him. He needs to heal before entering another relationship. 5. Church involvement * Encourage the person to get involved in church and join a Sunday school class. * Encourage the person to seek out friends of the same sex to whom he can talk and with whom he can do activities. * When he feels up to it, encourage him to serve and help others.