“What is daddy doing, mommy?” Daniel asked as his little fingers clutched the car door and his nose pressed against the window, peering out and trying to make sense of what perplexed him. “He’s moving around.” Sylvia, his mother, answered. What else could she say? “Look’s like Dad is moving side-toside, like a boxer,” piped up Ashley, Daniel’s older sister. “Why is daddy dancing?” Robbie, the middle son, asked almost in a whisper. “He has to keep moving like that so the sniper can’t shoot him.” What else can a mother say as her three children watch their father do the ‘sniper dance’ as he pumps gas at a gas station where just recently an unknown, unseen, unexplainable sniper is known to senselessly yet carefully aim and randomly shoot to kill whomever he can. “I couldn’t lie to them,” my sister, Sylvia, confessed to me over the phone shortly afterward. “It was all over the news, and then those children were shot at. The kids are now not allowed to play on the playground at school in fear they’ll be targets. It is so hard to explain it, make them aware and cautious, yet feel safe, and I know I can’t promise them that nothing will happen.” She paused, then added, “You know that Sharon.” I knew what she meant. “I can only assure them that no matter what happens, God will watch over us.” Sylvia continued, trying to make sense of it and be brave herself. I understood. She knew I did. My mind flashed back to when my own boys were young. “Mommy, will anything ever happen to you or daddy?” “No, Alan, my son. Mommy and daddy will always be here for you, nothing will happen to us. Go to sleep now. We are all safe.” I remember repeating this promise to my then 6-year old son, Alan, as I tucked him into bed at night. I also remember having to tell Alan when he was 10-years old that his father had been killed in a car accident. Shortly thereafter, one night, as I began to say our evening prayers. Alan looked up at me with his big brown eyes and asked, “Did you lie mom? Daddy died.” He sighed and looked straight at me and asked, “Will something also happen to you, mommy?” Although my heart had the best of intentions, I never meant to deceive, only to shelter and protect my innocent child’s heart from pondering possible pain. Isn’t that what all parents want for their children? For each child to grow up with an innocent childhood followed by a happy, successful, long life free from pain, suffering and the dangers of this world? But that is not the reality we live in. And it is not the world God says we will have to contend with. And, as parents, counselors, and pastors, we too cannot promise this heaven on earth to our children. The truth is that we don’t know what tomorrow holds. The stark reality is that bad things do happen. Terrorists flew their planes into the buildings in D.C. and New York. A sniper randomly traveling the highways of Washington,from the trunk of a beat-up Chevy, aimed at passer-bys and shot them. Car accidents, bombings, drive-by shootings, terrorist attacks, school shootings, abductions, missing children, rape, and murder are now an everyday occurrence closer to our homes, schools, neighborhoods, cities and country. Though we live in a potentially dangerous world, it is neither our desire, nor God’s will, that our kids be destined to grow up traumatized by these horrors of life. So how can we bless our children with the best possible ‘immunization’ against the potentially devastating effect of life’s dangers? There are two key protective factors that contribute to helping children cope and deal with whatever life holds. First is the loving relationship of a reliable other, and the other is emotional resilience.
*Fostering a Safe Haven:* Being there The greatest buffer for a child against the effects of abuse or trauma is the presence of a consistent, caring and responsive person, whether parent, aunt or other caregiver. Over and over again, researches and those who work with children facing traumatic experiences tell us that the best protective factor is a caring relationship. We know that the bond between a child and a parent (or caretaker) is of utmost importance and primacy in human development. But we are also finding that this secure attachment bond formed between a caretaker and child is crucial to how a children makes sense of and deals with the stressors and traumatic events of life. Children seek in a parent or caretaker a ‘safe haven’ – a refuge from the world. There in the shelter of his caretaker, a child is assured that someone will be there for him, he will be valued and that he will not be alone in his pain and suffering. When a child feels securely attached, that is, her caretaker is physically as well as emotionally available and appropriately responsive to her needs, she is assured that she can come to this trusted person with any situation, question, feeling, or need and trust that her heart cries will be adequately met. Over time, within this safe haven, a child learns to regulate their own affect, understand their needs, seek out comfort, express autonomy, explore the world around them more confidently, and have higher self-esteem. From this safe haven a child is able to better cope with life’s dilemmas and crises creatively and resourcefully. God’s powerfully encouraging words to His people were: “Be not afraid for I am with you.” To our children, we are the extensions of God’s protective hands. Our children need to know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be there with them. As we live in the shelter of the Most High, so our children live in the shelter of our hearts, and the comfort and understanding we offer.
*Emotional Resilience to Life’s Stressors* Bouncing back after a blow is difficult for anyone, lest a child. And if a child has the assurance of a safe haven and the emotional security that follows, the child will more likely be able to make sense of and move through their trauma. From John Gottman’s groundbreaking longitudinal study of children emerged one critical factor which predicted multiple measures of resilience and success in a child’s life—what is now being called emotional intelligence. The parenting style, specifically, how a parent responds to the emotions of a child impacts the emotional intelligence, or resilience of a child. Gottman found that those parents who were aloof, shrugged off their child’s emotions, or were critical or punishing when a child expressed certain emotions raised children who were unable to regulate and deal with their own emotions during stressful situations. But when a parent was aware of his child’s emotions, recognized the usefulness and purpose of emotions, listened empathetically and validated his child’s feelings, and helped his child come up with appropriate ways to deal with upsetting situations, then the child had higher emotional intelligence. Children who demonstrated this quality were able to: 1) accurately identify their own emotions, 2) express them verbally, 3) seek to get the associated need met appropriately, 4) show empathy and respect for others’ feelings. A child who has emotional intelligence is able to bounce back from stressful situations, return to a disrupted tasks, do better in school, have more and better quality friendships, manifest fewer illnesses and achieve overall better in work, relationships and life tasks. How to emotionally protect our children
*1. Be emotionally resolved your self.* The safe haven kids seek in us is hindered when we fail to understand and manage our own emotional life. It is imperative for us to process and cope with our own feelings about terrorism, and such traumatic events, if we are to be a place of comfort and strength for our children. The more you have wrestled and come to terms with the tragedies of life, you will be more open, less defensive and less prone to transfer your own fears and needs onto your child.
*2. Understand your child’s temperament.* A child’s temperament does not affect how well the child will cope, but rather impact how you as a parent will bond, respond and offer support to your child. It might be difficult to pry a feeling or sentence out of your child, and that might be frustrating or refreshing, depending upon how your own temperament blends with your child’s.
*3. Be a realistic resource for your child.* Don’t be afraid of the truth. Of course you don’t want to shed undo fear into young ones, and there are some things children need not know the details about. Allow your child to share his/ her feelings and ask questions. Then listen. Try to understand the underlying emotions and concerns your child holds. Don’t give more detail than age appropriate, but answer honestly. Don’t fear helping your child make sense of reality.
*4. Help your child make sense of what has happened.* To do this, your child will need opportunities to review what happened, come up with solutions and ways to make sense of it. Children often act out their feelings when they draw, play games as well as through conversations. Let your child process her experience at her pace, fitting her own personality, and appropriate to her age.
*5. Understand how the trauma is impacting your child.* First, be aware of any changes in behavior, appetite, sleep, participation at school, with hobbies, friends, and at home. Note what your child has stopped doing, or started doing. Is your child suddenly prone to anger out bursts, silent periods, or does he act as though nothing has happened? Children aren’t always able to put their feelings and fears into words and instead ‘act them out.’ Try to understand what the emotions behind your child’s behavior and help your child put them to words.
*6. Be available to listen so your kids will talk.* Usually it is during the mundane moments of family life, such as doing the dishes or when kissing them good night, that kids will want to talk. When your child wants to talk, be emotionally available. Realize and take hold of the treasured opportunity.
*7. Teach and model for your child how to find and ask for support when they are distressed.* Although time alone is always good for processing, it is not emotionally healthy for a child to shut out the world, hide in their room, take drugs, alcohol, participate in sex and such extreme activities and so sit in the confusion and pain of life because they either don’t know how to reach for comfort or no one is there for them. Learning to cuddle, talk, ask for a hug, ask to play a game, or just sit and soak up the comfort of someone you love is important for a child to know how to do.
*8. Give hope.* We all need the hope of a mustard seed that even though our lives will cross paths with tragedy, nothing enters our lives that has not yet been sifted through the heart of God, and no matter what happens we are still in the palm of God’s hand. Hope that we will survive, that scars of life will heal, and that new life will grow around our hurts. And that life will be sweet.
*Conclusion* Sometimes our children’s greatest fears don’t lie under their beds, in the closets or in the shadows that dance on the wall in the middle of the night. Suddenly their nightmares are no longer in their imagination or unknown dark corners of their bedroom. Their worst fears are in the middle of the day, as they are going about their everyday life. As they watch the news, run around on the school playground, as they walk home, drive in the car or visit their neighbor. The truth is, we don’t know what pain and suffering will touch our lives tomorrow. One thing we can be assured of, even though we might walk in the shadow of our darkest fears, God is with us. We are safe because God promises to be our strong tower, our comforter, making sense out of what is senseless. And although, sometimes, our lives are changed forever, our lives can and do get rebuilt, our hearts are healed, and the good work God begun in us continues. Our children are buffered as well when they are certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that someone will be there for them. Someone whom they can trust their heart with, who will be there to comfort, make meaning, give purpose and assurance of ultimate safety. And that makes all the difference in the world for you, for me, and for our children.
Sharon Hart Morris, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in relationships, and is Director of the Marriage, Family and Relationship Institute at La Vie Counseling Center in Our children are buffered as well when they are certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that someone will be there for them. Someone whom they can trust their heart with, who will be there to comfort, make meaning, give purpose and assurance of ultimate safety.